GOVERNMENTIUM
(Note: This
creative bit of humor by an unknown author is simply intended to give us a
respite from the more serious matters that demand our time and attention.)
“A major research institution has recently announced the
discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been tentatively named
Governmentium.
Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224
assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since governmentium has no electrons, it is
inert. However, it can be detected as
it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of governmentium causes one
reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than
a second.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay, but instead
undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and
deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, governmentium's mass will actually increase
over time, since each reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons,
forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists
to speculate that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain
quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as
Critical Morass.”